4:30am - Wake up hungry, get up to eat
5:00am - Back to bed
5:30am - Wake up, read
6:00am - Work
4pm - (or sooner) finish working, nap
7pm - Hubby's home, dinner, Monopoly or Scrabble Apple
10pm - Bed
My whole day is a cycle of naps and food. On days that I can break from work and fit in an extra round of sleeping and eating I do.
I highly recommend the internet for anyone pregnant. Especially first timers. Enough weird things happen during pregnancy that having access to many, many women and their experiences becomes of incalculable value. And some of the oddities are disgusting, personal, and not something you want to admit to out loud right away.
For instance, let's just say that during your first pregnancy you experience something that more than half of pregnant women experience: a hemorrhoid. Let's just say that you'd never really thought of hemorrhoids before and assumed they must be painful and protruding (why else would old people sit on those donut pillows and blame it on hemorrhoids?). And let's just say that your condition presented itself rather differently. By being only blood on your toilet tissue as you wipe. Bright, red, fresh blood. 6 months ago you'd have broken down in tears thinking you'd lost the embryo and that the pregnancy was over. Now, you can feel the baby kicking but can't deny that blood usually demands to be taken seriously. How else would you go about diagnosing yourself? Without the internet, you'd have to look someone in the eye and ask if they'd ever had painless blood leaking from their bum, and it would be awkward. In today's world, you either google your symptoms or post to a message board. I enjoy the message boards, because I enjoy the simple, straightforward suggestions from other people for dealing with my ever changing body.
But I am not enjoying my very first hemorrhoid.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
To work or not to work. . .
The itching was bad this morning. So bad that I had to get up. So I did. I tried to sleep, I'm very tired, but it wasn't gonna happen. Stupid itchy bumps.
And the sooner I start work, the sooner we will finish, but no one else is going to start for another hour.
Maybe I should try sleeping again. I'm so tired. Getting up 5 or 6 times per night to pee will do that to you.
We move on Monday. Really, we move beginning on Monday, we're excited. It will be nice to finally be in something final. Not permanent exactly, but it's where we're planning on living for the next 3 years. I can finally wash all the baby clothes and buy diapers and wash/ready those, set up the crib against our bed and spend hours dreaming about putting the babe in there.
We had wanted to paint one wall in the baby's room, but instead I might get some purple painter's tape and make one wall a mural from Harold and the Purple Crayon. It's a very, very cute book, and it would be so easy and fun to do. We'll see.
Enough stalling, I'm laying down for a few minutes before I work. Oh sleep, how I miss you.
And the sooner I start work, the sooner we will finish, but no one else is going to start for another hour.
Maybe I should try sleeping again. I'm so tired. Getting up 5 or 6 times per night to pee will do that to you.
We move on Monday. Really, we move beginning on Monday, we're excited. It will be nice to finally be in something final. Not permanent exactly, but it's where we're planning on living for the next 3 years. I can finally wash all the baby clothes and buy diapers and wash/ready those, set up the crib against our bed and spend hours dreaming about putting the babe in there.
We had wanted to paint one wall in the baby's room, but instead I might get some purple painter's tape and make one wall a mural from Harold and the Purple Crayon. It's a very, very cute book, and it would be so easy and fun to do. We'll see.
Enough stalling, I'm laying down for a few minutes before I work. Oh sleep, how I miss you.
Friday, July 24, 2009
A conversation I had with an Alaskan before we moved:
me: I'm really surprised that your state health insurance covers homebirths. That's usually so hard to get covered by anyone, let alone such a conservative legislature.
Alaskan: Oh our lawmakers do what we tell them to. It helps that we have guns.
I'm paraphrasing (obviously), and summing up a few comments into one. But I can't help but imagine a group of hippies standing outside a congressional building with guns daring the lawmakers to come out. Can you just see some poor junior representative being sent outside to see if the new copy of the bill is up to snuff?
That, my friends, is democracy. When your lawmakers fear you.
Oh Alaska.
me: I'm really surprised that your state health insurance covers homebirths. That's usually so hard to get covered by anyone, let alone such a conservative legislature.
Alaskan: Oh our lawmakers do what we tell them to. It helps that we have guns.
I'm paraphrasing (obviously), and summing up a few comments into one. But I can't help but imagine a group of hippies standing outside a congressional building with guns daring the lawmakers to come out. Can you just see some poor junior representative being sent outside to see if the new copy of the bill is up to snuff?
That, my friends, is democracy. When your lawmakers fear you.
Oh Alaska.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Dropping the baby.
So I think Nanook may have dropped. Here's my evidence:
1. My belly has changed shape. More as a whole than usual. When she moves, it changes shape in specific, definable, temporary ways. Right now my belly is oblong, and up until a day or two ago it was very much round and spherical. All the stuff from up top seems lower. Except when I sit. Everything still gets pushed up when I sit.
2. Other people are noticing. And telling me that I'm going to have her any day because I've dropped. People I've never met before. I'm not sure how they know that something's changed.
3. I have to go to the bathroom a LOT more. Again, I'm baffled by how this is possible, but lo and behold the impossible made real.
4. My bump seems to tie in much lower than it used to. [side note: I'm not sure any one uses the term 'tie in' in this context outside of horse judging. It refers to the way one part of a body meets the other part. As in: "that horses neck ties in really high" meaning the horse's neck should meet the chest further down than it does.]
What would this mean if the dropping has happened? Well, it would mean that Nanook is going to be born. At some point. Not news. For some women, this happens during labor or just before, for first time moms it usually means I have some time left. Maybe 2-4 weeks. I hope we have at least 2 weeks left. As much as I'd like to be done with the itching, she's not fully cooked yet, and the longer she stays in there, the bigger her brain will get, the fatter her little arms and legs will get, and the better her chances of being strong and healthy.
She's currently pushing her buns up against and past my ribs to show me how strong she is. Apparently, she's got all the muscle tone she needs.
Also, an activity equally interesting and sad is to go to a neighborhood park and listen to kids talk to each other. You'll learn so much about the home life of each child. Kids in low income neighborhoods (like where we're living, a public housing complex is a block away) get yelled at. A lot. "If you do that I'll kill you" came up more than once. And I don't believe for a second that kids model language from movies more than the language from their parents. Unless their parents aren't speaking to them, in which case they have no choice. Maybe it's good for me though. Reminds me what I'm going to be working on. What's so important. Loving my kid, and proving it.
1. My belly has changed shape. More as a whole than usual. When she moves, it changes shape in specific, definable, temporary ways. Right now my belly is oblong, and up until a day or two ago it was very much round and spherical. All the stuff from up top seems lower. Except when I sit. Everything still gets pushed up when I sit.
2. Other people are noticing. And telling me that I'm going to have her any day because I've dropped. People I've never met before. I'm not sure how they know that something's changed.
3. I have to go to the bathroom a LOT more. Again, I'm baffled by how this is possible, but lo and behold the impossible made real.
4. My bump seems to tie in much lower than it used to. [side note: I'm not sure any one uses the term 'tie in' in this context outside of horse judging. It refers to the way one part of a body meets the other part. As in: "that horses neck ties in really high" meaning the horse's neck should meet the chest further down than it does.]
What would this mean if the dropping has happened? Well, it would mean that Nanook is going to be born. At some point. Not news. For some women, this happens during labor or just before, for first time moms it usually means I have some time left. Maybe 2-4 weeks. I hope we have at least 2 weeks left. As much as I'd like to be done with the itching, she's not fully cooked yet, and the longer she stays in there, the bigger her brain will get, the fatter her little arms and legs will get, and the better her chances of being strong and healthy.
She's currently pushing her buns up against and past my ribs to show me how strong she is. Apparently, she's got all the muscle tone she needs.
Also, an activity equally interesting and sad is to go to a neighborhood park and listen to kids talk to each other. You'll learn so much about the home life of each child. Kids in low income neighborhoods (like where we're living, a public housing complex is a block away) get yelled at. A lot. "If you do that I'll kill you" came up more than once. And I don't believe for a second that kids model language from movies more than the language from their parents. Unless their parents aren't speaking to them, in which case they have no choice. Maybe it's good for me though. Reminds me what I'm going to be working on. What's so important. Loving my kid, and proving it.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
New Shirt, Nasty Rash, Forest Fire
The airport here is just BARELY outside of town. If you ever come to visit, you don't have to call me when your plane lands, I can hear it come down.
I got a great new shirt at Old Navy, and I feel amazing in it. Which is good because my itchy little red bumps turned out to be PUPPS, which is a rash that drives women to the point of begging for an induction just to make the itching stop. Other women beg for a sleeping pill because the itching robs them of sleep. Oddly enough 70% of women with this rash give birth to boys. Maybe Nanook is a he after all!
Also, my friends have GREAT taste in children's books.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Birth Class
We had the birth class today!
Turns out, we're both saps and cried when we watched the video. We were the only ones crying. But it was all so incredible. Watching those women do what they did and knowing how close I am to doing that as well, and what comes after. . .
The class was good. I figured it would probably answer all the questions I had about procedures and I was right. Maybe it's because these are Alaskans treating Alaskans, but I can definitely see a difference even between this birth center and the last. These midwives give us all kinds of information on every decision to be made, where to get even more info, how they think about each side of the argument, and then let us decide what to do. We can refuse ANYthing, and ANY time, for ANY reason. And if we have to transfer, they come with us to the hospital and take charge of implementing the birth plan as much as possible. We can choose whether we want a homebirth or birth center birth, and they are happy to meet us wherever. And the two women who do the homebirths are my favorite midwife (so far) and the first women I spoke to when I called from Denver who was so wonderful. I've only spoken to her one other time, but I really liked her. It's very likely that both will be there. It's awesome to feel like I have so much to offer this process, and to offer my baby, my family, and myself. With no other care provider have I felt so trusted to competently make the decisions that are best for my family.
I'll be full term three weeks from yesterday. In just under three weeks, we're set to go. We're going to start some herbs and possibly some other things "in preparation", but I'm inclined to go for the gusto and start trying to get labor going as quickly as possible. I'm ready to meet her. I'm ready to mother her and I'm ready for labor. I will probably not try much from 37-38 weeks, and our attempts will likely be halfhearted until closer to 40, but after 40, I'm pushing for it. If she could come a little early we would both really appreciate fewer scheduling conflicts, but we've made arrangements to have all other obligations wait until a week or two after she comes, whenever that is.
I had a few BH contractions today. Minor, mild and spread out throughout the class and this evening, but there they were. Makes me think that this is really happening. To me. Soon.
Weird.
Turns out, we're both saps and cried when we watched the video. We were the only ones crying. But it was all so incredible. Watching those women do what they did and knowing how close I am to doing that as well, and what comes after. . .
The class was good. I figured it would probably answer all the questions I had about procedures and I was right. Maybe it's because these are Alaskans treating Alaskans, but I can definitely see a difference even between this birth center and the last. These midwives give us all kinds of information on every decision to be made, where to get even more info, how they think about each side of the argument, and then let us decide what to do. We can refuse ANYthing, and ANY time, for ANY reason. And if we have to transfer, they come with us to the hospital and take charge of implementing the birth plan as much as possible. We can choose whether we want a homebirth or birth center birth, and they are happy to meet us wherever. And the two women who do the homebirths are my favorite midwife (so far) and the first women I spoke to when I called from Denver who was so wonderful. I've only spoken to her one other time, but I really liked her. It's very likely that both will be there. It's awesome to feel like I have so much to offer this process, and to offer my baby, my family, and myself. With no other care provider have I felt so trusted to competently make the decisions that are best for my family.
I'll be full term three weeks from yesterday. In just under three weeks, we're set to go. We're going to start some herbs and possibly some other things "in preparation", but I'm inclined to go for the gusto and start trying to get labor going as quickly as possible. I'm ready to meet her. I'm ready to mother her and I'm ready for labor. I will probably not try much from 37-38 weeks, and our attempts will likely be halfhearted until closer to 40, but after 40, I'm pushing for it. If she could come a little early we would both really appreciate fewer scheduling conflicts, but we've made arrangements to have all other obligations wait until a week or two after she comes, whenever that is.
I had a few BH contractions today. Minor, mild and spread out throughout the class and this evening, but there they were. Makes me think that this is really happening. To me. Soon.
Weird.
Trying to be sensitive
I don't want to be insensitive, but I am getting really excited for this baby. With so many friends who've lost babies, I'm trying to keep it low-key on FB, at least for the time being.
But tomorrow is the birth class!! I'm so excited! This is really happening, to me, very soon. Nanook could be here safely in as few as three weeks. Three weeks! I have nearly everything we need for her, but we still need to get our birth supplies (and figure out what all we're going to need for that anyway) and post partum stuff. I think I'll be taking input and advice on that pretty soon.
We move into our new place on the 27th, so I've started planning out how I want to arrange our beds, what color I want to paint, where we'll set up random baby gear (swing, glider, etc), and where we'll set up our birthing space.
Hubby still isn't 100% signed on to the homebirth. He CERTAINLY doesn't want anything to do with the hosp, but in his mind the birth center feels safer. There's really no difference in safety, and he readily admits that, so it's strictly a visceral thing, but it's there nonetheless. He has, however, admitted that my gut feeling is a teensy bit more important than his when it comes to this, so I get to make the final call. And I call: homebirth.
This is happening soon. Soon she'll come out and visit. I really have to stop thinking about the three week minimum though because she's much more likely to come in 7 weeks. Still, that's soon, and I have a lot to do.
I've been waiting this WHOLE pregnancy to move into this dumb apartment and once we finally do, I'll probably be way too tired to do everything I want to. Ah well. Maybe I'll ask to work fewer hours so I can nest more.
I'm going to try to sleep again. Now that it's finally dark(-ish), maybe I can get back to sleep. I was sleeping wonderfully and then the smoke alarm started going off. Mirus eventually had to go get a new battery (made it to the store just before it closed) and by the time we got it to shut up I was wide awake. It was just too light out to sleep. But, for the first time since we moved up here, it's too dark to read outside. It's like a real nighttime!
Something tells me that in about 6 months, I'll hate the darkness.
But tomorrow is the birth class!! I'm so excited! This is really happening, to me, very soon. Nanook could be here safely in as few as three weeks. Three weeks! I have nearly everything we need for her, but we still need to get our birth supplies (and figure out what all we're going to need for that anyway) and post partum stuff. I think I'll be taking input and advice on that pretty soon.
We move into our new place on the 27th, so I've started planning out how I want to arrange our beds, what color I want to paint, where we'll set up random baby gear (swing, glider, etc), and where we'll set up our birthing space.
Hubby still isn't 100% signed on to the homebirth. He CERTAINLY doesn't want anything to do with the hosp, but in his mind the birth center feels safer. There's really no difference in safety, and he readily admits that, so it's strictly a visceral thing, but it's there nonetheless. He has, however, admitted that my gut feeling is a teensy bit more important than his when it comes to this, so I get to make the final call. And I call: homebirth.
This is happening soon. Soon she'll come out and visit. I really have to stop thinking about the three week minimum though because she's much more likely to come in 7 weeks. Still, that's soon, and I have a lot to do.
I've been waiting this WHOLE pregnancy to move into this dumb apartment and once we finally do, I'll probably be way too tired to do everything I want to. Ah well. Maybe I'll ask to work fewer hours so I can nest more.
I'm going to try to sleep again. Now that it's finally dark(-ish), maybe I can get back to sleep. I was sleeping wonderfully and then the smoke alarm started going off. Mirus eventually had to go get a new battery (made it to the store just before it closed) and by the time we got it to shut up I was wide awake. It was just too light out to sleep. But, for the first time since we moved up here, it's too dark to read outside. It's like a real nighttime!
Something tells me that in about 6 months, I'll hate the darkness.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Nanook
I'm suddenly very aware of how whole I am with Nanook right where she is. I'm excited to play with her and have her outside where I can see her, but I anticipate a very real ache once she's separated from me. And I don't mean separated by proximity, like we're apart for a day, I mean not physically connected to me. I like having her here, completely connected with me, and as much as I want to have her on the outside, I will miss her. Very much.
And so I feel no guilt about enjoying every second of her life on the inside. I don't care what priorities get missed or neglected, none outrank her so none of those obligations seem even remotely important.
Oh Nanook.
And so I feel no guilt about enjoying every second of her life on the inside. I don't care what priorities get missed or neglected, none outrank her so none of those obligations seem even remotely important.
Oh Nanook.
Blessings
I just realized how truly blessed I am. A few days of rain have really cooled the temperature this morning, so I'm working (writing) under a fleece blanket on the couch. And I'm suddenly struck by the fact that this is how I'll spend my winter. My first long, cold, Alaskan winter under a comfy blanket with my daughter on my chest, writing. I may not be writing anything interesting or entertaining, but I'm spending every minute with her. I'll be able to wrap her so that her little head is right under my chin and I'll be able to feel her so close to me all day. How incredible.
Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of thy unchanging love
Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of thy unchanging love
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